i've decided to rob a bank wearing nothing but a balaclava and a pair of ill fitting wellies.
i will brandish a marrow with cocktail sticks in the end to make it look menacing.

i will have with me an incontinent pig, and i will sing 'jerusalem' in a cockney accent while drinking a glass of water.

i will make my getaway in a wheelbarrow with a flat tyre pushed by a dwarf from guatemala.

i will do this because i want to see whether those smug gits on the crimewatch tv programme can do a reconstruction.